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I was out of my depth and I knew it, but I was determined to at least make a statement in the Purple Prose Parody Contest. Now this was sponsored by a romance novel website, an area represented by people for whom I'm something of an oddity. The twist was to base the parody on a classic novel. Well, I figured I wanted to go full throttle, so I chose George Orwell's Animal Farm. The characters weren't  human--that, I thought, should set me apart.

 

And imagine my surprise when I came in third! Not everybody thinks according to a rigid paradigm.

 

Here is my entry, titled "A Tumble in the Hay" below the cut.


The Dow of Mouseloaf

Posted by: Mv2.3

Tagged in: WTF , Original Fiction

Mv2.3

 

Welcome to one of the millions of delightfully unofficial documents written by folks somehow touched by the philosophies of Discordianism.  This movement, which began in the 1960's and picked up speed in the digital age, is named for the goddess Discordia (Eris in the Greek).  She's the one who didn't get invited to a big to-do wedding among the gods.  Never aggravate a goddess of chaos, however.  Knowing that the attending goddesses would crawl all over each other, Discordia tossed a golden apple into the crowd, an apple that proclaimed it was "For the fairest".  Anyway, Juno, Minerva, and Venus fell in like over-caffeinated roller derby brutes, but when an idiot sheperd awarded the apple to Venus (big surprise), the result was the Trojan War.

Enjoy the Dow of Mouseloaf.

In which Queen Pepsishark IX and the Magnificent Gookoo encounter the goddess Eris, lately also called Discordia, and learn that in a universe of milk and chaos, only Mouseloaf remains true.

Pepsishark once thought that if there were an operative principle in the universe, it would be milk. Gookoo thought Pepsishark was a little eccentric, but then again she didn't have any better ideas. Since Gookoo believed that people who didn't have any better ideas should just shut up, that's what she did.

Mouseloaf is perhaps the most remarkable substance known to humanity and in the universe itself. Being a food, a building material, a toy, a cultural rallying point, a political pawn, and an engineering phenomenon, Mouseloaf is an astounding success, considering its origins as a use for dead mousies. Mouseloaf or what has been called Mausloaf Kultur began in the Paramus, NJ kitchen of a man known only as Unca Louie. His idea for the something that could be anything has conquered the world. Two competitors, Slice O' Mice and Mooseloaf, have tried to capitalize on Mouseloaf mania but failed so miserably that the Society of Suicidal Lemmings was formed from dismissed employees.

As far as Pepsishark and Gookoo knew, Unca Louie bumped into Eris just before putting Mouseloaf onto those first few lucky shelves. Eris showed Louie Chaos and the Holy Chao, and in seeing Chaos and the Holy Chao, Louie figured there would pretty much be room in the universe for anything, including loaves of mice. Eris was much pleased with Mouseloaf and granted Unca Louie a stick of cinnamon gum and the title Swell Pepsishark I.

Now Pepsishark IX was Unca Louie's direct descendant in the Mouseloaf Empire. What happened to Pepsishark II through VIII is either unknown or unimportant. At her side went the faithful Magnificent Gookoo.

"I lament," Gookoo said.

"You lament what, exactly?" replied Pepsishark.

"I lament that in a universe swimming in Chaos, order seems irrelevant."

"Irrelevant?" Pepsishark tweaked Gookoo's nose. "Don't be a silly. Order is a defining instrument of Chaos. Order is what makes Chaos. Without order, Chaos would be nothing but Mouseloaf."

"Mouseloaf?"

"A loaf of mouse."

"Oh."

Pepsishark and Gookoo jumped the fence and played a round of mini golf in the snow. It was an exercise in futility. After all, as it was Winter, the golf course was technically closed. No one was around to care if Pepsishark and Gookoo just dropped their golf balls into the holes and attain terrific scores. There was no one to reward their great talent with goldfish or stuffed dogs drinking beer.

Then in the parking lot, they happened upon an apple fashioned of gold. Let us point out that this is not a regular occurrence in our corner of the universe. Anyway, on the apple were the words "For the fairest".

"That wouldn't be me," Gookoo said.

"Me neither. So what do we do with it?"

"Dunno." Gookoo kicked at a patch of ice. "Sell it?"

"It's probably just gold-plated," Pepsishark said.

"You have a remarkable talent for spotting the valueless." Gookoo took a step towards the apple oddity. "I like Red Delicious myself."

Here ends the Dow of Mouseloaf as it has been revealed thus far. You could go back to the beginning and read it again, since beginning and ending are arbitrary anyway.


 

Today is the last day to push your wordcount past 50,000 words to join the ranks of NaNoWriMo Winners! A few words of advice before we hit the final letters for the Not-Yet-Of Troy series!

1) Double check and make sure your timezone is correct! Because of daylight savings, you might be an hour ahead of yourself if you didn't correct your timezone after you started! This could mean that instead of having until midnight to verify, you only get until 11pm. Which leads me to my next point--

2) Verify EARLY! Do everything in your power to get yourself verified before 11pm local (or earlier if you can swing it!). The Word Counter for the NaNoWriMo site may shave some wordage off your word processor's count, and you will want time to be able to recoup those numbers before midnight! Also, there is usually a rush to validate at the last minute which slows down the site-- don't let yourself be timed out and lose the win after all your hard work!

3) Pat yourself on the back for making it this far! Whether you got to 50K or not, you answered the challenge to write a novel, and that's something to be proud of. If you didn't quite make it to 50K this year, you can always try again  next November! And I hear that NaNoWriMo is trying to put together a year round program, too--assuming they make their donation goals.

 

(Previous Letters: Helen to Pollux, Pollux to Helen, Letters from the Kings, Helen to Theseus, Theseus to Helen, Letters Between Theseus and Pirithous, Letters Between Helen and Menelaus.)

 

Now, the last letters-- From Theseus to Helen, and from Helen to Pollux.


Previous Letters: Helen to Pollux, Pollux to Helen, Letters from the Kings, Helen to Theseus, Theseus to Helen, Letters between Theseus and Pirithous.

 

When I began writing Helen, I was certain that she loved Menelaus. Part of the history and the myth is that Menelaus and Agamemnon spent some time in Sparta/Lacedaemon during their youth, after a usurper took the throne of Mycenae. Tyndareus helped them to reclaim it. Later, Tyndareus marries both his daughters to these Sons of Atreus-- Helen to Menelaus, and Clytemnestra to Agamemnon-- which made me wonder exactly what kind of relationship Tyndareus had with these men.

 


Was it just that Agamemnon was so powerful a neighbor? Or could it have been something more? A relationship between Tyndareus and these orphaned boys that was like a father to his sons? And if Tyndareus cared for them, brought them into his home, helped them to reclaim their own city, might not Menelaus and Agamemnon have had relationships with Tyndareus's children too? That would certainly have an affect on any marriages arranged, and I was certain that Helen must have been relieved, even pleased, to be married to a man who had been a friend and brother to her in her youth, rather than some stranger twice her age who only wanted her for her beauty.


Unless of course there was some mitigating factor-- like a foreknowledge of what was coming. If Helen knew that marrying Menelaus would result in such a terrible war, how would that affect her relationship to him? And if Tyndareus loved Menelaus as a son, would he listen to the warning Helen brought him? Helen, just a girl, and with only dreams to back up her argument, probably would not have swayed her father if he was determined to make Menelaus his son in marriage as well as friendship.  This is the warning Helen gives Theseus in the earlier letters, telling him that if he wants her as his bride, he must act immediately, and ultimately I believe it is what convinces him to abduct her, though he could not have known who Helen was meant for.


But Menelaus knew. And watching Helen become friendly with Theseus, a son of Poseidon, and a great hero, could not have been easy on his ego. Menelaus was not a king, nor could he claim any divine heritage. He was just a man. And in comparison and competition with Theseus, how confident could he really be about his chances?


 

Previous Letters:

Helen to Pollux, Pollux to Helen, Letters from the Kings, Helen to Theseus, Theseus to Helen.

 

Theseus has his own very rich mythology. His own challenges and adventures. He is in many ways the Athenian version of Heracles, right down to his divine heritage and the trials he faces. A parallel hero.  I hadn't realized at all until I started doing the research that Heracles and Theseus were contemporaries and were known to team up, nevermind that they were also contemporaries (relatively speaking) of Helen.

 

There's so little source material for his abduction of Helen (and it varies widely). Just a line here or there that he made off with her, and then her brothers took her back. It's almost an absentminded recollection. "Oh yeah, well, you know Theseus, always making off with some pretty girl or another, it's hardly worth noting. And there was no lasting harm." Of course, that's the greatest place to start when you want to write fiction-- finding something that hasn't really been explored in great detail, and seeing where it leads. It was the perfect opening!

 

Neither Theseus nor Heracles made it to the Trojan War, but they almost certainly witnessed the events leading up to that point... Well, witness maybe is too strong a word. Theseus was trapped in the underworld for a while, and Heracles had to go fish him out. Both of them, however, had sons who fought against Troy.

 

So who is this Pirithous? He's a fellow Demi-god and king. A son of Zeus! By all appearances, he's one of Theseus's closest friends. Close enough that when Pirithous proposed a trip to Hades to kidnap Persephone, Theseus had no qualms about helping him out. To repay a similar kindness, perhaps?


 

To change things up, I'm starting with the letter today! (previous letters: Helen to Pollux, Pollux to Helen, Letters From the Kings, Helen to Theseus)

 

Lovely Helen,

With all my being I struggle between granting you this gift, granting myself this gift, and doing what must be done for the good of my people. What you ask may well provoke a war, and though I confess to wanting you for my own, I would not wish to betray the trust of my people this way.

Helen, you are but a child yet. If your father does not heed your warnings, perhaps it is with good reason. Perhaps he has information which you are not privy to? Your brothers, too, are good men. If they believed you to be in the path of harm, nothing would stop them from protecting you with all their strength.


I do not know what causes you such anxiety for your kinsmen, but I am keen to listen. While I can not promise to give you what you ask, I would meet with you and hear your concerns. If your reason is sound, I will not dismiss it, Helen. That much I can and will  promise you, whether or not you become my wife.

If it is to be done, it is best done in secret. You may trust I will reveal your request to no one, though if your worries are founded on any truth I can present to Tyndareus upon your behalf, I would be happy to do so. Only a fool would refuse to listen to his equal in rank and dignity.


Your Servant,
Theseus, King of Athens


 

Missed one? In order: Helen to Pollux, Pollux to Helen, Letters from the Kings.

 

In working with the myths surrounding the Trojan War, there are some definite challenges. For starters, no two accounts of Helen's life and story are the same. This also applies to Theseus, Paris, Menelaus, Agamemnon, and every other major player within the story. The reason for this is that these myths come from an oral tradition, and over time it would have been natural for them to shift and alter slightly between regions. People from Athens would talk Theseus up, because he was one of their founding fathers. People from Sparta might want to portray Helen as stolen, rather than an adulteress, to save her honor. They also might make Paris out as a coward, to emphasize his dishonor.

 

The sources we have available to us today can't even agree on the reason for the start of the Trojan War. There's the story of the goddesses, Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite, competing for the title of "Fairest" with Paris as the judge, and at first glance, it seems like the simplest answer. Paris chose Aphrodite, and she gave him Helen as a prize, offending the other two goddesses and causing them to turn against Troy-- of course there was the little matter of Helen already being married to Menelaus, and he would have to go get her, but Aphrodite had no problem assisting him with that or making it sound like a good idea.

 

If you continue reading, there are other forces at work behind the goddesses and their vanity. According to Hesiod and the Cypria Fragments, the entire war was planned by Zeus as a way to destroy the race of demi-gods (children of the gods with mortals) and lighten the earth of men. Now, historically, not long after the rough dates we have for the Trojan War, the Mycenaean empire collapsed. Isn't it convenient then, that the Greeks had a myth to explain the widespread destruction that cast them back into a dark age?

 

Personally, I find the contradicting accounts and stories to be exciting and interesting. For my writing purposes, it allows me to sift through the different pieces and put it all together in a unique way. It gives me a lot of freedom to work. Creative license, if you will. Which brings us to today's letter from Helen to Theseus.


 

For some reason, Homer places a great emphasis on lineage and title in The Iliad. The smallest of side characters is often outlined by his father, and his father's deeds. This is especially true of the greater heroes and kings, who are just as often referred to as Son of So-and-so as they are by their own names. We don't often meet their fathers outside of these side-tracked stories-- with the obvious exception of the sons of Priam, King of Troy-- but the Iliad is filled with these distracting flavor bursts of parentage. Why so important? Well, establishing yourself as the son of someone who did something great leaves you poised to accomplish something even greater!

 

A lot of this is reflected later on in history, as we see people over and over again drawing their lineages back to ancestors who were either gods or heroes (often heroes themselves were demi-gods or of divine heritage). After Homer's time, claiming a god as an ancestor was a way of validating and justifying an individual's authority or superiority. It's a little bit more subtle than claiming absolute divinity, like the Kings of Egypt, Alexander the Great, and the Emperors of Rome,  but all of this is the precursor of what later became the Divine Right of Kings who claimed their rule to be mandated and willed by God. Interesting how these "pagan" practices wormed their way into the Christian world!

 

Whew. Now that we've gotten the history out of the way, I give you the letters! (The first two are here and here. Go ahead, we'll wait for you to catch up!)

 

The two letters below are short and sweet.


 

This is the next letter in the series, written from Pollux to his sister, Helen. (To read the first letter, go here!)

 

Technically speaking, it's unlikely that Helen and Pollux would have ever been exchanging letters in Homeric Greece. The only evidence we have of written language from that time are the Linear B tablets of the Mycenaeans, and mostly these tablets gave us information on inventories of goods disbursed. From the tablets we can extrapolate that Mycenae had some kind of overarching administration, and it's suggested that the script was only known to a small group of people, high up. It would not have been used by any common folk.

 

Helen, as a princess of Lacedaemon might have known that such records were kept, but it is highly unlikely she would have been taught to write. Further, Linear B is only found on clay tablets. Obviously this does not mean that writing on any other medium was impossible, because the tablets were preserved through the destruction of the palaces by fire which would have destroyed anything like skins or papyrus, but if they were only writing in Linear B on clay, it would make for an awkward letter.


 

Before National Novel Writing Month began, I like others, was doing some research and preparation for my project-- a new look at the myths around the Trojan War, and a reinterpretation of Helen and her early life. In an excess of excitement, and the compulsion to purge some of the research I had done and turn it into creative energy, I started writing letters. I'm a far cry from Ovid and his Heroides, but at least there was a precedent.

The letters helped me to get my head into Helen's and feel out the other characters that I would be playing with in this new book, before the adrenaline rush of NaNoWriMo. The exercise was so much fun that I didn't really want to stop, and I expect I'll be doing quite a few of them before the month is out. They won't appear in the manuscript itself, but I thought they would be a fun sneak peak behind the scenes of the story for you GeekaChicas readers!

This first letter is from Helen (age 12) to her brother, Pollux. Helen and Pollux are both children of Zeus resulting from his rape of Leda as a swan. (Really.) For more information on the sources and the mythology of the Trojan War, feel free to take a look at my blog. I have a lot of helpful links to primary sources in the sidebar, and discussions of most of them in my recent posts. 


 

 Continued from The Resting Bones, Part One

 

Lara felt a chill in her bones.  Trying his best to comfort her, Brian put his arm around her shoulders and convinced her to go back to the trailer. He gave her the tagged bone to take back with her, which she let him slip into her pack so she wouldn't have to touch it. A few hours later, both Brian and Dr. Lloyd came in with the few samples that had been excavated.  They laid them on Brian's desk and Dr. Lloyd expressed to Brian the importance of keeping them away from the village men.  He had caught one of them trying to put it back in the ground, and now they were refusing to stay past dark.  Brian agreed, mostly to get the him out of his trailer.

 

"You don't think there's really a monster, do you?" Lara blurted it out before she could help herself.

 

"Not really. It's more likely that one of the villagers got fed up with the dog and took it out on the both of them," said Brian, hoping at least to make her laugh a little.  He was scared too, and she could tell.

 

"I should go," she said, looking over at his desk full of bones.

 

"Lara, I would feel better if you stayed here with me, tonight." A slight blush washed up his face as he spoke.

 

She wanted to stay, but she knew that she would be up all night -- she might as well get some more research finished. She grabbed her pack.  It felt soft in her hands. She had kept the brown back pack since her freshman year of college.  Before leaving for the dig, her sister had given her a blue butterfly patch, because she loved butterflies, to sew onto the front pocket.  Right now, that all seemed a world away.

 

"I can't, but thank you," she said as she turned toward the door.  Hesitating for a moment, she turned back to Brian, looking at him as if she were memorizing his face. After an obvious decision of some sort had been reached, Lara walked forward, wrapped her arms around him, and kissed him fully. A moment passed and she broke the embrace.  Outside the trailer, her cheeks feeling hot, she glanced back. She could see Brian standing as if she were still there kissing him, with a silly grin on his face -- one that matched hers exactly.

 


 

Many of GeekaChicas' contributors are writers. One of our newest Chicas, Oberonia, has jumped into the spirit of things this Halloween by offering up one of her horror stories in two parts. 

 

 

 

Her delicate fingers twisted the brush tool lightly.  Lara had to be careful. If she ruined another sample, the site director, Dr. Lloyd, would be furious and she would be sent home for sure.  Brush, brush, twist. She watched the brush and sample closely. The remnants were mostly shards of clay, probably a pot or bowl that predated all of the nonexistent findings she had made thus far.  As a single lock of perfectly timed hair fell over her left eye, a gust of wind swept the dirt upward, a dose of nature that was mostly absorbed by the hair hanging in her face and her glasses.  Unfortunately for her other eye, a small piece of silt found its way in and forced her to abandon the cleaning.

 

She found her way into the nearest trailer to wash out her eye.  This was her second week on the small dig in Peru and she had done nothing but stumble her way through one mistake after another.  Lara Berk, even through her lack of grace, was beautiful. She had a vintage feel about her with her perfectly swept up blonde hair, a handsome and angular face, and dark rimmed glasses framing her sky blue eyes.  She looked like someone that had stepped out of a 1930’s German edition of Archaeology Now.  All she lacked was a German accent and a riding crop. Lara, however, was neither German nor happy at the moment.  She knew she should have been cleaning the clay remnants inside the research tent, but she didn’t want to move them for fear of shattering.  She had already cleaned the biggest piece enough to see the bottom half of an animal, or maybe it was something like the Peruvian dinosaur pottery she had read about in Nasca.  Claws were clearly visible, at any rate.

 

Feeling her way to the sink, she held her eye in one hand and her glasses in the other.

 

“Here, use the eye wash cup. It’s easier,” said Brian, who had been the voice of comfort to Lara since her arrival. He was normally stuck inside the trailer cataloging finds by those digging in the dirt and tagging outside.  As usual, there was an array of objects all over his desk, his countertops, and some parts of the floor where no one would bother them.

 

“I feel like I’ve washed my eyes out of my head.  I’m surprised there’s still something left for the dirt to stick to.” Lara smirked as she took the small cup.

 

“You could use the goggles, you know,” Brian added with a sniff and a grin in his charming, if not smart ass way.  He was smart, tall, decently built with the sunburned complexion of most of the students on the dig.  The “Sniff-n-Grin” usually made the girls swoon, though he had no clue that it did.

 

“They would give me a headache and then you would have me in here anyway whining for aspirin,” she countered.  Had Lara spent a little more time with her head in the real world instead of in her books, she’d have recognized the flirtations of her admirer.  As it was, she never noticed his advances, nor anyone else’s for that matter, not even Dr. Lloyd’s. Once, the venerable professor had tried to make the move in the back of the main tent late one night.  Lara’s allergies had set her free as a massive sneezing fit temporarily delayed her mentor’s lecherous intentions.

 

Brian turned back to the daily tagging and Lara studiously went back to her findings.  Lunch time came and went with the news that some of the field students had unearthed the remains of an unidentified species near the east edge of the dig.  They would be studied more closely after the lunch break, and the photography, excavation, and tagging would become their main focus over all other projects by everyone either physically or by research.

 

Dusk settled over the camp as everyone retired for the evening.  Morning would come a lot earlier than anyone wanted.  The darkness fell.

 

Days and evenings began to blur together for Lara.  She had been having a few odd dreams lately that had grown continually worse, and her old pal insomnia had made its way back. Against the wishes of Dr. Lloyd, and mostly out of resentment for being stuck on the research detail, Lara had thrown her attentions in the way of local legends and myths for the day.  She had even conducted a quite pleasant interview with one of the hired village men.  There were still no leads as to the species of the find, which Dr. Lloyd had affectionately named 'Sheldon.' No one really cared why.

 

A small group, that did not include Lara, had already begun the first of the excavations as one Dr. John R. Levi landed his helicopter on the far side of camp.  Dr. Levi had long funded numerous digs for the good of history.  As usual, his large, black Brazilian Mastiff, Piaui, exited first and bolted across the dig site.  Piaui was named after the doctor’s very first dig site, and he could do no wrong.  It was best if you felt the same.  Piaui had just about bounded his way, snarling and drooling, to the students working on the still unknown remains.  So far, five full bones had been unearthed, and as the sixth bone was being lifted from the dirt, Piaui cleared the top of the hill, nearly scaring the students to death.

 

 


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