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Conspiracy Theorist Logic 101

Posted by: Pearce

Pearce

 

I am annoyed.  There is far too much idiocy on the Internet.  No, this isn't anything new or surprising, but sometimes I run across so much idiocy on a single subject that I feel the need to beat some sense into everyone.  Of course, since this is the Internet, I can't.

 

 But if you're free to put your claims out there, I'm free to bitch about their inaccuracy and lack of logical insight.

 

I'm not going to provide any links because I don't want to give these particular sites any more traffic, but lately I've run across a boatload of articles about the brainwashing conspiracies behind Disney, pop music, and so forth...all backed by either the Illuminati or the Freemasons.  For some reason, people who write this sort of thing think the two names can be used interchangeably.  Probably because they're so busy trying to keep their kids from watching the Lion King that they can't be bothered to open a book or perform a Google search.

 

Just to show the Internet how incredibly easy it is to find basic facts, I will now direct you to the first link that shows up when I Google each of these terms.

 

Illuminati 

 

Freemason 

 

All of that effort, including the effort of putting the links into this piece, took me less than sixty seconds.  While Wikipedia is often a questionable source, it still illustrates my point:  this information isn't all that hard to come across.   The words "Illuminati" and "Freemason" should not be used interchangeably simply for the purposes of accuracy (and credibility, if you're going to go around claiming that we're all being brainwashed by Tuna Helper, or whatever). 

 

If you're not offended enough yet, just wait.  There's more. 


 

So the Tubes have been buzzing with, of all things, an interview with some Eighties Doctor Who figures who have copped to sticking political allegories in the storylines during Sylvester McCoy's era.  Particular attention is paid to one serial called "The Happiness Patrol"*, which is now revealed to be an attack on Margaret Thatcher's politics.  (Except for the giant candy monster, which is just there to be hilariously bad.)

 

A couple of problems here.  One: as a revelation, this is about as revelatory as "Gene Roddenberry was a secular humanist!".  If it shocks you, well... hi, welcome to Earth, hope you enjoy your stay.  "The Happiness Patrol" as anti-Thatcher allegory was picked up on at the time--it's not a difficult interpretation.

 

Vote Labour or THE KANDYMAN EATS YOU. 

 

Two: in fact--Sylvester McCoy's claims notwithstanding--as an allegory, it's as subtle as a pink elephant. "The Happiness Patrol" serves just as well as an example of why Doctor Who shouldn't do allegories: they're terrible at them.  See also "The Sunmakers" (anti-tax), "The Green Death" (environmentalism), "The Two Doctors" (vegetarianism), and, from the new series, "Aliens of London / World War Three" (anti-Iraq war).**  It's notable that none of these are universal fan favorites today; consensus is pretty strong on the merits of most stories, and the best-liked stories ("Genesis of the Daleks", "The Caves of Androzani","The Curse of Fenric", "The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances", and whatever favorite of yours that I haven't listed here because otherwise this would be a really long list) tend to not have obvious takeaway Aesops.

 

Three, what do the pearl-clutchers allege that Doctor Who was trying to accomplish?  Mass riots in the streets?  Britain's prepubescents marching on Whitehall?  Because that didn't happen.  Okay, so they were trying to inculcate a dislike of Thatcher and her policies, so that Britain's children would grow up to vote Labour... because these children would, somehow, be raised in a pro-Tory vacuum otherwise?  "The Happiness Patrol" was broadcast in 1988,  public mood had turned against Thatcher by the Nineties, and IMHO the changing of the public's opinion of her government is best explained by the failures of said government.

 

Four, I have a serious problem with the unspoken assumption under all the handwringing, which is that Doctor Who should have been impartial.  What the hell does this mean?  Should they not have done stories that... I don't know, commented on the world in any way?  This is fiction's jobAll stories are about the world in which they're made, and science fiction is always at least as much about the present as it is about the future.  The BBC should only ever make TV that everyone will agree with?

 

Which, finally, is impossible anyway. Showrunners have no control over what interpretation people give to the stories.  If Russell T. Davies says that the episode "Bad Wolf" was intended as an homage to reality TV, and bazillions of fans think it's a satirical critique of reality TV, who's right and who's wrong?

 

 

* IMHO, you're not missing much if you sit this serial out.  It's one of those Eighties serials where the world sucks and the special effects are terrible and the soundtrack is synth-tastic.

**And, of course, lots of others.  Trust me, you'll be able to tell which.

 

(Kandyman image yoinked from the Doctor Who Image Archive.)

 


What's Avatar Missing?

Posted by: Pearce

Pearce

 

FernGully With Guns James Cameron's Avatar is missing one very, very crucial element.  An element without which the film can never be made whole.

 


 

 

FernGully was an integral part of my childhood.  Most of us remember that film, right?  A lumber worker is accidentally shrunk to the size of one of the rain forest's fairies, and he learns all about their culture, develops a thing for the fairy hottie, and decides that slashing down trees is bad.

 

 Sounds sort of familiar when considering this latest CGI-laden flick, doesn't it?  And is there anything wrong with that?  No, not really.  I'm sure Avatar has plenty of unique elements to offer aside from increased violence and the natives' upgrading from using leaves as skateboards.  It's nice to have the idea of a more "grown up" version of the story, and the timing of this film's release is particularly interesting from a generational perspective, especially when considering the long-term trends found in cinema.

 

I can even live with the lack of a psychotic lab bat, although he was always my favorite.

 

Still, something's missing.

 


Behold: ECOGATE!

Posted by: Pearce

Tagged in: WTF , The Sky is Falling , Science , Politics , Lifestyle

Pearce

 

So you know how everyone from Al Gore to Leonardo DiCaprio has been telling us we're all gonna die for having massive carbon footprints?  And you know how we've been subjected to this drivel for years upon years whilst they zoom about in private jets to meet up in exotic cities for conferences instead of telecommuting to help save the earth?

 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  there are billions to be made by "going green."  That's no exaggeration.  Many people are willing to pay out the nose for something that seems more eco-friendly.  Don't even get me started on the concept of eliminating incandescent bulbs.  Yes, there are (limited) options besides CFLs as alternatives, but CFLs cause severe headaches in a significant portion of the population.  Would Obamacare like to provide me with some Vicodin for hugging some trees?

 

 

 

Guess what?

 


 

Well, 2012 has hit theaters, and by now I'm sure half the world is spazzing out over whether or not John Cusack and everyone else is going to die when the Mayan calendar runs out.

 

Because "THE MAYANS WARNED US!"

 

Okay, the Mayans did caution us about something (maybe), but fiery apocalypse of doom bears absolutely no resemblance to that something.

 

The Mayan Long Count calendar (they kept more than one) ends on 12/21/12.  For some reason, everyone assumes that the reason the Mayans stopped there is because the world will also end, so there's really no point in continuing a calendar after that date.  After all, they'd spent all that time mapping out the days until this arbitrary number, and clearly they didn't just get bored with this project and decide to all go sacrifice some hearts on pyramids instead.

 

 

Here's what the Mayans actually thought, as far as we can figure out:

 


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